I haven't written consistently in so long, I feel like I'm driving down a road filled with potholes. The ride is jerky, and slow, and despite my best efforts things come out rough and bouncy.
I know if I stick with it things will smooth out.
I should be asleep right now, but I couldn't sleep. I've been exhausted lately: partially due to over socializing, partially due to just not sleeping well. I've been having nightmares pretty frequently lately. I've also not been remembering my non-nightmare dreams, which is odd for me. I'm usually a very vivid dreamer, with really fun and awesome dreams. Unfortunately the nightmares are also very vivid, usually leaving me waking up in absolute panic. The theme is generally the same: someone(s) coming after me with some sort of weapon. I've usually interacted with my pursuer - had a conversation with them, directly before they pursue me. Never fun.
My head is filled with EPFH. Not good thoughts. Feelings of being used and hurt, and not understanding why.
Also thoughts of P. Which isn't a good road to go down, for any number of reasons.
And thoughts of one other...that I am too tired to come up with a code name for. But also not a good road to head down at the moment either...
My head should be filled with thoughts of: my meeting on Thursday, getting more training at work, finalizing details for this coming weekend, where I'm going to live and when I'm going to move, the gym, what I'm putting in my body, what I'm not putting in my body... all sorts of things, none of which are boys.
Somehow I've got to refocus myself and stop worrying about shit that doesn't matter. So much that does matter, matters A LOT right now (sense! I have it!) and is quite deserving of my attention. Lists. Maybe it's time for more.
heh.
xo
MK
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Monday, October 11, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A promise to promise
I fear looking back for my last post. Well, my last published post.
It's been awhile.
I've been writing, and writing and writing. But not finishing anything. At least not to the point where it's suitable for interwebz consumption (which should tell you something about the sorry state of those entries).
But there are things I want/need to write about.
In no particular order, they are (rather, will be, as I'm not going to get into them in this post):
Daisy (a motorcycle)
Current musings on life, in terms of geographical location
Current musings on life, in terms of psychological location
EPFH (a boy...who is in need of a shorter acronym)
28 Things
Where my home is, and where it is not
It makes me sad when I don't write. Not just here, but on paper as well. I always forget to, and I always feel guilty about it. Maybe I should feel less guilty.
Anyway.
More soon. I promise.
xo
MK
It's been awhile.
I've been writing, and writing and writing. But not finishing anything. At least not to the point where it's suitable for interwebz consumption (which should tell you something about the sorry state of those entries).
But there are things I want/need to write about.
In no particular order, they are (rather, will be, as I'm not going to get into them in this post):
Daisy (a motorcycle)
Current musings on life, in terms of geographical location
Current musings on life, in terms of psychological location
EPFH (a boy...who is in need of a shorter acronym)
28 Things
Where my home is, and where it is not
It makes me sad when I don't write. Not just here, but on paper as well. I always forget to, and I always feel guilty about it. Maybe I should feel less guilty.
Anyway.
More soon. I promise.
xo
MK
Saturday, March 06, 2010
ooohhhh we're half way there. (maybe 2/3...or 3/4...but I know we're headed in the right direction)
I think if I could tie every situation back to a cheesy 80's metal lyric, I would...maybe I can...if I can, I think I'd have C to thank for that :)
Despite my best efforts (full time job, part time school, 5-6 days/week workout routine, and volunteer work), I seem to have a bit too much free time on my hands. Free time that I tend to spend thinking about my life. On the one hand, this is a good thing, I moved because I needed to change my life, so it's good I'm keeping that it my thoughts. On the other hand...it's a great opportunity to remind myself how less-than-happy I currently am.
However! Today, I took that thinking a little bit further. I left NYC because I didn't like what my life was there, and it's future wasn't too bright either (at least, in my mind). I knew I needed to make a change, one that couldn't happen while I lived there - so, I moved. *high five* self. Right? Well, sort of. That is only part (2/3? 1/2? 5/2?) of the work.
Am I happy now? Silly question.
Am I better off now? You betcha. My life much more resembles what I would like it to be than it did a year ago. It's future is looking, while rather unsure, still much brighter than it did before I left NYC.
Okay, so, progress. Progress is good.
Am I where I want to be? No.
Okay, keep working.
I know this thinking might seem pretty logical to some (like my "you know this is only temporary, you'll move soon" mother). I never moved to the TC thinking I would be here permanently, or even semi-permanently. I moved here because it's where my parents are, the job market is rather resilient compared to the rest of the country, and my ultimate goal is the west coast, so I'm generally in the right area. It provided a safe, stable staging ground to figure out where to go and what to do next.
Sometimes, it's hard to remember, and to believe, that I am in the process of something. That this is purposeful and that there is and end goal. This is just one ingredient in the recipe for MK's Life Change.
I need to remember what I wrote up there: that I am better off now than I was a year ago. My life more resembles what I want it to be, and is headed in the direction that I want it to go. Where I'll end up is a totally different batch of cookies (I made brownies today, baking analogies abound) that I'll sort out later...I hope.
xoox
MK
Despite my best efforts (full time job, part time school, 5-6 days/week workout routine, and volunteer work), I seem to have a bit too much free time on my hands. Free time that I tend to spend thinking about my life. On the one hand, this is a good thing, I moved because I needed to change my life, so it's good I'm keeping that it my thoughts. On the other hand...it's a great opportunity to remind myself how less-than-happy I currently am.
However! Today, I took that thinking a little bit further. I left NYC because I didn't like what my life was there, and it's future wasn't too bright either (at least, in my mind). I knew I needed to make a change, one that couldn't happen while I lived there - so, I moved. *high five* self. Right? Well, sort of. That is only part (2/3? 1/2? 5/2?) of the work.
Am I happy now? Silly question.
Am I better off now? You betcha. My life much more resembles what I would like it to be than it did a year ago. It's future is looking, while rather unsure, still much brighter than it did before I left NYC.
Okay, so, progress. Progress is good.
Am I where I want to be? No.
Okay, keep working.
I know this thinking might seem pretty logical to some (like my "you know this is only temporary, you'll move soon" mother). I never moved to the TC thinking I would be here permanently, or even semi-permanently. I moved here because it's where my parents are, the job market is rather resilient compared to the rest of the country, and my ultimate goal is the west coast, so I'm generally in the right area. It provided a safe, stable staging ground to figure out where to go and what to do next.
Sometimes, it's hard to remember, and to believe, that I am in the process of something. That this is purposeful and that there is and end goal. This is just one ingredient in the recipe for MK's Life Change.
I need to remember what I wrote up there: that I am better off now than I was a year ago. My life more resembles what I want it to be, and is headed in the direction that I want it to go. Where I'll end up is a totally different batch of cookies (I made brownies today, baking analogies abound) that I'll sort out later...I hope.
xoox
MK
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Me gusto.
This keeps taking different forms. I'm not sure where it will go, I've yet to figure out what I want it to be, but I suppose I can just keep trying until I like what it becomes.
Life is strange these days. I'm not sure if it's just SAD, but it feels nightmarish most of the time. If I sit back and look at life logically, I see that no one thing, or even a combination of things is really all that bad - but the second I lose that focus and let go of that string of logic, I feel trapped in the nightmare again. I'm working through it by trying to keep myself busy, eating healthy, keeping active, and doing things I enjoy. I honestly feel like I'm piecing myself and my life together every second of the day to keep from falling apart. It's very tiring. I feel like if I stop for even a second I will lose it. So I just keep moving.
I'm working on moving to Seattle. I think being closer to friends, back in a city, and having space of my own are very necessary. I'm hoping I can find a job in the next few months, and I'll work everything else out from there.
V. Things have crumbled with him. It's a stressor I don't want right now, but I don't know how to fix. In a perfect world, we'd still be dating, and I'd still have him as my friend.
I've started going to Zumba classes. They are fun. It's an hour where I feel really happy and forget about EVERYTHING. I love dancing. I love it. I'm going twice a week right now, but I think I'll start going three times. It's one of the few things here that I really, really enjoy.
I'm toying with the idea of giving up drinking for awhile. For health reasons, and to really focus on other things in my life. I know it will help me quit smoking, which I really want to 'succeed' at. I still miss smoking, which is not good. More on this soon.
I think that is all for now.
xoxo
MK
Life is strange these days. I'm not sure if it's just SAD, but it feels nightmarish most of the time. If I sit back and look at life logically, I see that no one thing, or even a combination of things is really all that bad - but the second I lose that focus and let go of that string of logic, I feel trapped in the nightmare again. I'm working through it by trying to keep myself busy, eating healthy, keeping active, and doing things I enjoy. I honestly feel like I'm piecing myself and my life together every second of the day to keep from falling apart. It's very tiring. I feel like if I stop for even a second I will lose it. So I just keep moving.
I'm working on moving to Seattle. I think being closer to friends, back in a city, and having space of my own are very necessary. I'm hoping I can find a job in the next few months, and I'll work everything else out from there.
V. Things have crumbled with him. It's a stressor I don't want right now, but I don't know how to fix. In a perfect world, we'd still be dating, and I'd still have him as my friend.
I've started going to Zumba classes. They are fun. It's an hour where I feel really happy and forget about EVERYTHING. I love dancing. I love it. I'm going twice a week right now, but I think I'll start going three times. It's one of the few things here that I really, really enjoy.
I'm toying with the idea of giving up drinking for awhile. For health reasons, and to really focus on other things in my life. I know it will help me quit smoking, which I really want to 'succeed' at. I still miss smoking, which is not good. More on this soon.
I think that is all for now.
xoxo
MK
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Again with catching up! I was in Seattle Friday and Saturday, with not much down time. So, I will catch up now. I suppose I should give myself some flexibility, updating is hard when I'm running all over the place. Seattle was good, very quick, saw a lot of people, and was undoubtedly emotionally draining (social meeting with V maybe played a part in that). It was also a productive trip, so for that I am thankful. Now! Onto bidness:
Friday: Friday I was meeting with advisors at UW to learn about their programs, and what I should be doing to be able to go back to school as a post baccalaureate student. It was super interesting, left me with a ton of questions that I will need to research the answers for, and was a great big step in the right direction of me getting back to school. I'm thankful that I'm finally able to start down the road of actually being able to go back to school. I have no idea when I'll be able to apply to an actual University and enroll full time (vs going to a community college part time, which I'm starting in Jan), but - baby steps.
Saturday: Saturday I woke up at my friend, T's, house, in a comfy warm bed. T lives south of seattle, and a block off the sound. Her house is gorgeous, her mom (who she lives with) is a doll, and I'm thankful that we are friends. I've known her for 11 years, we lost touch for awhile, but reconnected when we realized we both were living in WA. I'm glad for her friendship, and her and her mom's hospitality!
Bonus: I am thankful I made it home safe last night! about 15 miles from home I ran into bad weather, it had been snowing for awhile, and freezing cold. In a one mile stretch I saw four bad accidents, at least 2 were flip-overs. It was slow going those last 15 miles, but my lil subaru was great!
Today: I finished my christmas shopping! At least, the store-buying portion of it. I totally slacked this year, and waited far too long - but everything that requires actually entering a store, is done! I still need to do some online shopping, but maybe I can get that taken care of tonight.
Night.
xo
MK
Friday: Friday I was meeting with advisors at UW to learn about their programs, and what I should be doing to be able to go back to school as a post baccalaureate student. It was super interesting, left me with a ton of questions that I will need to research the answers for, and was a great big step in the right direction of me getting back to school. I'm thankful that I'm finally able to start down the road of actually being able to go back to school. I have no idea when I'll be able to apply to an actual University and enroll full time (vs going to a community college part time, which I'm starting in Jan), but - baby steps.
Saturday: Saturday I woke up at my friend, T's, house, in a comfy warm bed. T lives south of seattle, and a block off the sound. Her house is gorgeous, her mom (who she lives with) is a doll, and I'm thankful that we are friends. I've known her for 11 years, we lost touch for awhile, but reconnected when we realized we both were living in WA. I'm glad for her friendship, and her and her mom's hospitality!
Bonus: I am thankful I made it home safe last night! about 15 miles from home I ran into bad weather, it had been snowing for awhile, and freezing cold. In a one mile stretch I saw four bad accidents, at least 2 were flip-overs. It was slow going those last 15 miles, but my lil subaru was great!
Today: I finished my christmas shopping! At least, the store-buying portion of it. I totally slacked this year, and waited far too long - but everything that requires actually entering a store, is done! I still need to do some online shopping, but maybe I can get that taken care of tonight.
Night.
xo
MK
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)