I haven't written consistently in so long, I feel like I'm driving down a road filled with potholes. The ride is jerky, and slow, and despite my best efforts things come out rough and bouncy.
I know if I stick with it things will smooth out.
I should be asleep right now, but I couldn't sleep. I've been exhausted lately: partially due to over socializing, partially due to just not sleeping well. I've been having nightmares pretty frequently lately. I've also not been remembering my non-nightmare dreams, which is odd for me. I'm usually a very vivid dreamer, with really fun and awesome dreams. Unfortunately the nightmares are also very vivid, usually leaving me waking up in absolute panic. The theme is generally the same: someone(s) coming after me with some sort of weapon. I've usually interacted with my pursuer - had a conversation with them, directly before they pursue me. Never fun.
My head is filled with EPFH. Not good thoughts. Feelings of being used and hurt, and not understanding why.
Also thoughts of P. Which isn't a good road to go down, for any number of reasons.
And thoughts of one other...that I am too tired to come up with a code name for. But also not a good road to head down at the moment either...
My head should be filled with thoughts of: my meeting on Thursday, getting more training at work, finalizing details for this coming weekend, where I'm going to live and when I'm going to move, the gym, what I'm putting in my body, what I'm not putting in my body... all sorts of things, none of which are boys.
Somehow I've got to refocus myself and stop worrying about shit that doesn't matter. So much that does matter, matters A LOT right now (sense! I have it!) and is quite deserving of my attention. Lists. Maybe it's time for more.
heh.
xo
MK
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Monday, October 11, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A promise to promise
I fear looking back for my last post. Well, my last published post.
It's been awhile.
I've been writing, and writing and writing. But not finishing anything. At least not to the point where it's suitable for interwebz consumption (which should tell you something about the sorry state of those entries).
But there are things I want/need to write about.
In no particular order, they are (rather, will be, as I'm not going to get into them in this post):
Daisy (a motorcycle)
Current musings on life, in terms of geographical location
Current musings on life, in terms of psychological location
EPFH (a boy...who is in need of a shorter acronym)
28 Things
Where my home is, and where it is not
It makes me sad when I don't write. Not just here, but on paper as well. I always forget to, and I always feel guilty about it. Maybe I should feel less guilty.
Anyway.
More soon. I promise.
xo
MK
It's been awhile.
I've been writing, and writing and writing. But not finishing anything. At least not to the point where it's suitable for interwebz consumption (which should tell you something about the sorry state of those entries).
But there are things I want/need to write about.
In no particular order, they are (rather, will be, as I'm not going to get into them in this post):
Daisy (a motorcycle)
Current musings on life, in terms of geographical location
Current musings on life, in terms of psychological location
EPFH (a boy...who is in need of a shorter acronym)
28 Things
Where my home is, and where it is not
It makes me sad when I don't write. Not just here, but on paper as well. I always forget to, and I always feel guilty about it. Maybe I should feel less guilty.
Anyway.
More soon. I promise.
xo
MK
Friday, February 19, 2010
Cue Journey.
I felt really, really guilty leaving work Thursday night. Honestly truly bad for what I was feeling.
I hate it here. There is no question I am not a small town girl (living in a lonely world? perhaps not.). I don't think I've ever been, and this experiment only amplifies that fact.
While living in NYC, so many out of towners would ask "how do you live here? I couldn't do it, how do you do it?" I can't remember what my response was - but I'm sure it was along the lines of "it's easy, it's amazing here"etc. NYC is both a very, very hard place to live and very easy- if you like big cities. You work your ass off, you competecompetecompete, you sacrifice countless parts of your life and you are rewarded with having endless and indescribable experiences and opportunities available to you. So that's how I lived there, the cost of living there was well, well worth it. But, things change, I got older, priorities and values got a bit of a shift and the price became too high. So I moved.
I now understand that "how do you live here? I couldn't do it, how do you do it?" question. I want to ask it of every person I meet here. People were born and raised here. Some left for college, AND CAME BACK. That just blows my mind. But, this place works for some people, it's home. Just like NYC works for some people and is their home. It just so happens that this place doesn't work for me. Fair enough, right?
But back to my feeling super guilty. On any given day, I harbor some pretty seriously negative feelings towards this place. I could list them, but there is no real point - the issue lies with me, not this place. This place works for some people, and they've chosen to make it their home - I moved here, and it doesn't work for me - that's my problem and I've got to deal with it. Cue the guilt. There are some really great people here, there are some crazy, freakishly smart people living here (hello rocket scientists!) that have found that this place works for their life. All those negative feelings? I feel horrible thinking them because of those people. No, I don't express my deep, deep loathing of their town to them - that would be totally insensitive and rude of me - and like I said, it's my problem, not theirs. I feel like an impostor. I feel like I don't fit (although they would welcome me into their church STAT if I wanted to be a member!) I'm not one of them, and I need to get out of their way.
I'm not sure where this was headed. Just ramble. And maybe spawned because yesterday afternoon I couldn't get into a parking spot at work because a truck that was 2.5 times the size of my car, driven by a guy in full-camo (including camo-trucker hat...) was trying to park, failing and took up two spaces, causing a stream of inappropriate thoughts to swim through my head about the appropriateness of wearing camo to work and the point of having a truck that large (is there one? do you work on a ranch? didn't think so! err...see? so easy to digress...).
Anyway.
I think it's safe to say that the sooner I can move, the better. For everyone.
I hate it here. There is no question I am not a small town girl (living in a lonely world? perhaps not.). I don't think I've ever been, and this experiment only amplifies that fact.
While living in NYC, so many out of towners would ask "how do you live here? I couldn't do it, how do you do it?" I can't remember what my response was - but I'm sure it was along the lines of "it's easy, it's amazing here"etc. NYC is both a very, very hard place to live and very easy- if you like big cities. You work your ass off, you competecompetecompete, you sacrifice countless parts of your life and you are rewarded with having endless and indescribable experiences and opportunities available to you. So that's how I lived there, the cost of living there was well, well worth it. But, things change, I got older, priorities and values got a bit of a shift and the price became too high. So I moved.
I now understand that "how do you live here? I couldn't do it, how do you do it?" question. I want to ask it of every person I meet here. People were born and raised here. Some left for college, AND CAME BACK. That just blows my mind. But, this place works for some people, it's home. Just like NYC works for some people and is their home. It just so happens that this place doesn't work for me. Fair enough, right?
But back to my feeling super guilty. On any given day, I harbor some pretty seriously negative feelings towards this place. I could list them, but there is no real point - the issue lies with me, not this place. This place works for some people, and they've chosen to make it their home - I moved here, and it doesn't work for me - that's my problem and I've got to deal with it. Cue the guilt. There are some really great people here, there are some crazy, freakishly smart people living here (hello rocket scientists!) that have found that this place works for their life. All those negative feelings? I feel horrible thinking them because of those people. No, I don't express my deep, deep loathing of their town to them - that would be totally insensitive and rude of me - and like I said, it's my problem, not theirs. I feel like an impostor. I feel like I don't fit (although they would welcome me into their church STAT if I wanted to be a member!) I'm not one of them, and I need to get out of their way.
I'm not sure where this was headed. Just ramble. And maybe spawned because yesterday afternoon I couldn't get into a parking spot at work because a truck that was 2.5 times the size of my car, driven by a guy in full-camo (including camo-trucker hat...) was trying to park, failing and took up two spaces, causing a stream of inappropriate thoughts to swim through my head about the appropriateness of wearing camo to work and the point of having a truck that large (is there one? do you work on a ranch? didn't think so! err...see? so easy to digress...).
Anyway.
I think it's safe to say that the sooner I can move, the better. For everyone.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Me gusto.
This keeps taking different forms. I'm not sure where it will go, I've yet to figure out what I want it to be, but I suppose I can just keep trying until I like what it becomes.
Life is strange these days. I'm not sure if it's just SAD, but it feels nightmarish most of the time. If I sit back and look at life logically, I see that no one thing, or even a combination of things is really all that bad - but the second I lose that focus and let go of that string of logic, I feel trapped in the nightmare again. I'm working through it by trying to keep myself busy, eating healthy, keeping active, and doing things I enjoy. I honestly feel like I'm piecing myself and my life together every second of the day to keep from falling apart. It's very tiring. I feel like if I stop for even a second I will lose it. So I just keep moving.
I'm working on moving to Seattle. I think being closer to friends, back in a city, and having space of my own are very necessary. I'm hoping I can find a job in the next few months, and I'll work everything else out from there.
V. Things have crumbled with him. It's a stressor I don't want right now, but I don't know how to fix. In a perfect world, we'd still be dating, and I'd still have him as my friend.
I've started going to Zumba classes. They are fun. It's an hour where I feel really happy and forget about EVERYTHING. I love dancing. I love it. I'm going twice a week right now, but I think I'll start going three times. It's one of the few things here that I really, really enjoy.
I'm toying with the idea of giving up drinking for awhile. For health reasons, and to really focus on other things in my life. I know it will help me quit smoking, which I really want to 'succeed' at. I still miss smoking, which is not good. More on this soon.
I think that is all for now.
xoxo
MK
Life is strange these days. I'm not sure if it's just SAD, but it feels nightmarish most of the time. If I sit back and look at life logically, I see that no one thing, or even a combination of things is really all that bad - but the second I lose that focus and let go of that string of logic, I feel trapped in the nightmare again. I'm working through it by trying to keep myself busy, eating healthy, keeping active, and doing things I enjoy. I honestly feel like I'm piecing myself and my life together every second of the day to keep from falling apart. It's very tiring. I feel like if I stop for even a second I will lose it. So I just keep moving.
I'm working on moving to Seattle. I think being closer to friends, back in a city, and having space of my own are very necessary. I'm hoping I can find a job in the next few months, and I'll work everything else out from there.
V. Things have crumbled with him. It's a stressor I don't want right now, but I don't know how to fix. In a perfect world, we'd still be dating, and I'd still have him as my friend.
I've started going to Zumba classes. They are fun. It's an hour where I feel really happy and forget about EVERYTHING. I love dancing. I love it. I'm going twice a week right now, but I think I'll start going three times. It's one of the few things here that I really, really enjoy.
I'm toying with the idea of giving up drinking for awhile. For health reasons, and to really focus on other things in my life. I know it will help me quit smoking, which I really want to 'succeed' at. I still miss smoking, which is not good. More on this soon.
I think that is all for now.
xoxo
MK
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Graphically adhesive tartufo memories.
My god it's been cold this week. Most days when I've left for work it's been right about 10 degrees. NOT OK. I'm more of a 70+ degree weather type of girl. Anyhoo, that is no excuse for me slacking the past few days on posting...oops. It's barely a week into this project and I'm already slacking - not good! It seems hard to focus myself to do this every day, but I think I've mentioned before that's the point. I need to focus on this stuff everyday, and this blog is supposed to be the tool to make that happen. So, let's work on catching up!
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