I haven't written consistently in so long, I feel like I'm driving down a road filled with potholes. The ride is jerky, and slow, and despite my best efforts things come out rough and bouncy.
I know if I stick with it things will smooth out.
I should be asleep right now, but I couldn't sleep. I've been exhausted lately: partially due to over socializing, partially due to just not sleeping well. I've been having nightmares pretty frequently lately. I've also not been remembering my non-nightmare dreams, which is odd for me. I'm usually a very vivid dreamer, with really fun and awesome dreams. Unfortunately the nightmares are also very vivid, usually leaving me waking up in absolute panic. The theme is generally the same: someone(s) coming after me with some sort of weapon. I've usually interacted with my pursuer - had a conversation with them, directly before they pursue me. Never fun.
My head is filled with EPFH. Not good thoughts. Feelings of being used and hurt, and not understanding why.
Also thoughts of P. Which isn't a good road to go down, for any number of reasons.
And thoughts of one other...that I am too tired to come up with a code name for. But also not a good road to head down at the moment either...
My head should be filled with thoughts of: my meeting on Thursday, getting more training at work, finalizing details for this coming weekend, where I'm going to live and when I'm going to move, the gym, what I'm putting in my body, what I'm not putting in my body... all sorts of things, none of which are boys.
Somehow I've got to refocus myself and stop worrying about shit that doesn't matter. So much that does matter, matters A LOT right now (sense! I have it!) and is quite deserving of my attention. Lists. Maybe it's time for more.
heh.
xo
MK
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Newton could explain this in a lot fewer words. [Part 1]
If you asked me why I wanted a motorcycle, I would have a hard time giving you a concrete answer. If you know my history, you'll know that there are a few strong arguments as to why I shouldn't get one, or shouldn't want to get one.
I don't know if it was an easy decision or a hard one, and that feels like a strange statement to make. But it was a decision that had to be made, and the decision had to be "get one", and I cannot explain why.
Of the few reasons why I shouldn't have wanted to get a motorcycle, the most obvious being the 800lb gorilla that likes to hang out in the room whenever I bring up motorcycles. Christiana. A little over 3 years ago, I watched as one of my best friends was buried into cold Long Island ground. Losing her, not having her around to share life with, is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. I still cry, and still yell at the universe for the unfairness of it all, that she is not still here to share this earth with me, with us.
She died while on her motorcycle. I think about her every day, and you can bet I thought about her a lot in the weeks leading up to my buying a motorcycle.
But, this post isn't about her (although there will be more on her, I'm sure), or why I shouldn't have a motorcycle. It's about why I do have a motorcycle.
I think it comes down to this:
I do not like to be still. I do not like to stop moving. I have an inner voice that tells me, constantly, to 'just keep moving'. Bad things happen when you stop.
I think this is why I like running, and flying, and jumping out of airplanes. Forward motion. Constant motion. Stillness can bring stagnation. Complacency. Mediocrity.
My fears.
I know. Stillness can also bring knowledge, and calmness, and peace.
I've learned I can find those same things in running. and flying. and jumping out of airplanes. and wrapped around 650cc's of internal combustion . It's when I stop doing these things that my mind gets cluttered and cramped and too full, and I can't think straight and get overwhelmed.
To think straight, to calm down, to forget. I have to move. Maybe it's the wind, maybe it's the motion. To clear my head, I have to move. Maybe it's my subconscious moving away from all the bad thoughts.
I don't see it as dangerous. Yes, there is risk. There is risk in everything we do. It's a risk I accept.
I bought, and I ride a motorcycle to calm me. To clear my head. To find happiness. To move. To find another place. To occupy my mind.
I don't know if it was an easy decision or a hard one, and that feels like a strange statement to make. But it was a decision that had to be made, and the decision had to be "get one", and I cannot explain why.
Of the few reasons why I shouldn't have wanted to get a motorcycle, the most obvious being the 800lb gorilla that likes to hang out in the room whenever I bring up motorcycles. Christiana. A little over 3 years ago, I watched as one of my best friends was buried into cold Long Island ground. Losing her, not having her around to share life with, is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. I still cry, and still yell at the universe for the unfairness of it all, that she is not still here to share this earth with me, with us.
She died while on her motorcycle. I think about her every day, and you can bet I thought about her a lot in the weeks leading up to my buying a motorcycle.
But, this post isn't about her (although there will be more on her, I'm sure), or why I shouldn't have a motorcycle. It's about why I do have a motorcycle.
I think it comes down to this:
I do not like to be still. I do not like to stop moving. I have an inner voice that tells me, constantly, to 'just keep moving'. Bad things happen when you stop.
I think this is why I like running, and flying, and jumping out of airplanes. Forward motion. Constant motion. Stillness can bring stagnation. Complacency. Mediocrity.
My fears.
I know. Stillness can also bring knowledge, and calmness, and peace.
I've learned I can find those same things in running. and flying. and jumping out of airplanes. and wrapped around 650cc's of internal combustion . It's when I stop doing these things that my mind gets cluttered and cramped and too full, and I can't think straight and get overwhelmed.
To think straight, to calm down, to forget. I have to move. Maybe it's the wind, maybe it's the motion. To clear my head, I have to move. Maybe it's my subconscious moving away from all the bad thoughts.
I don't see it as dangerous. Yes, there is risk. There is risk in everything we do. It's a risk I accept.
I bought, and I ride a motorcycle to calm me. To clear my head. To find happiness. To move. To find another place. To occupy my mind.
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