Potholes

I haven't written consistently in so long, I feel like I'm driving down a road filled with potholes. The ride is jerky, and slow, and despite my best efforts things come out rough and bouncy.
I know if I stick with it things will smooth out.

I should be asleep right now, but I couldn't sleep. I've been exhausted lately: partially due to over socializing, partially due to just not sleeping well. I've been having nightmares pretty frequently lately. I've also not been remembering my non-nightmare dreams, which is odd for me.  I'm usually a very vivid dreamer, with really fun and awesome dreams. Unfortunately the nightmares are also very vivid, usually leaving me waking up in absolute panic.  The theme is generally the same: someone(s) coming after me with some sort of weapon.  I've usually interacted with my pursuer - had a conversation with them, directly before they pursue me. Never fun.

My head is filled with EPFH. Not good thoughts. Feelings of being used and hurt, and not understanding why.
Also thoughts of P. Which isn't a good road to go down, for any number of reasons.
And thoughts of one other...that I am too tired to come up with a code name for. But also not a good road to head down at the moment either...

My head should be filled with thoughts of: my meeting on Thursday, getting more training at work, finalizing details for this coming weekend, where I'm going to live and when I'm going to move, the gym, what I'm putting in my body, what I'm not putting in my body... all sorts of things, none of which are boys.

Somehow I've got to refocus myself and stop worrying about shit that doesn't matter. So much that does matter, matters A LOT right now (sense! I have it!) and is quite deserving of my attention. Lists. Maybe it's time for more.

heh.
xo
MK

Newton could explain this in a lot fewer words. [Part 1]

If you asked me why I wanted a motorcycle, I would have a hard time giving you a concrete answer.  If you know my history, you'll know that there are a few strong arguments as to why I shouldn't get one, or shouldn't want to get one.
I don't know if it was an easy decision or a hard one, and that feels like a strange statement to make.  But it was a decision that had to be made, and the decision had to be "get one", and I cannot explain why.

Of the few reasons why I shouldn't have wanted to get a motorcycle, the most obvious being the 800lb gorilla that likes to hang out in the room whenever I bring up motorcycles. Christiana.  A little over 3 years ago, I watched as one of my best friends was buried into cold Long Island ground.   Losing her, not having her around to share life with, is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. I still cry, and still yell at the universe for the unfairness of it all, that she is not still here to share this earth with me, with us.
She died while on her motorcycle.   I think about her every day, and you can bet I thought about her a lot in the weeks leading up to my buying a motorcycle.

But, this post isn't about her (although there will be more on her, I'm sure), or why I shouldn't have a motorcycle. It's about why I do have a motorcycle.

I think it comes down to this:
I do not like to be still. I do not like to stop moving. I have an inner voice that tells me, constantly, to 'just keep moving'. Bad things happen when you stop.
I think this is why I like running, and flying, and jumping out of airplanes. Forward motion. Constant motion. Stillness can bring stagnation. Complacency. Mediocrity.
My fears.
I know. Stillness can also bring knowledge, and calmness, and peace.
I've learned I can find those same things in running. and flying. and jumping out of airplanes. and wrapped around 650cc's of internal combustion . It's when I stop doing these things that my mind gets cluttered and cramped and too full, and I can't think straight and get overwhelmed.
To think straight, to calm down, to forget. I have to move. Maybe it's the wind, maybe it's the motion. To clear my head, I have to move. Maybe it's my subconscious moving away from all the bad thoughts.
I don't see it as dangerous. Yes, there is risk. There is risk in everything we do. It's a risk I accept.

I bought, and I ride a motorcycle to calm me. To clear my head. To find happiness.  To move. To find another place. To occupy my mind.

If only I could be more like the Amish.

8.14.2010
I wonder if I made the right choice. 

If I should have fought harder. Pushed back. Stood my ground and said no, I, we are doing this.  

But I did what I thought was right, whether easy or hard, it was the right thing to do, in my mind. 

But if it was hard then, and hard now, was it still the right decision?  I don't know. Some things are just hard, right as they may be. 

Decisions made with an open, loving heart tend to work out the best I've found. Those decisions that feel right, without thought or logic or reason - they just feel right, they line the path I should be on. 

Trying to find patience, and float along with the universe, at the pace the universe has deemed appropriate -it's hard. 

So many questions. If I did the right thing with Larry. With moving here. With EPFH. My heart still says yes, they were the right choice, hard though they may be. It's just hard to hurt for so long, and continue to believe it's right. 

An eternal optimist, I know things will get better. I will keep making choices until it does. Maybe I will learn to be patient along the way.

A promise to promise

I fear looking back for my last post. Well, my last published post.
It's been awhile.
I've been writing, and writing and writing. But not finishing anything. At least not to the point where it's suitable for interwebz consumption (which should tell you something about the sorry state of those entries).
But there are things I want/need to write about.

In no particular order, they are (rather, will be, as I'm not going to get into them in this post):

Daisy (a motorcycle)
Current musings on life, in terms of geographical location
Current musings on life, in terms of psychological location
EPFH (a boy...who is in need of a shorter acronym)
28 Things
Where my home is, and where it is not

It makes me sad when I don't write. Not just here, but on paper as well.  I always forget to, and I always feel guilty about it. Maybe I should feel less guilty.
Anyway.
More soon. I promise.

xo
MK

ooohhhh we're half way there. (maybe 2/3...or 3/4...but I know we're headed in the right direction)

I think if I could tie every situation back to a cheesy 80's metal lyric, I would...maybe I can...if I can, I think I'd have C to thank for that :)

Despite my best efforts (full time job, part time school, 5-6 days/week workout routine, and volunteer work), I seem to have a bit too much free time on my hands.  Free time that I tend to spend thinking about my life. On the one hand, this is a good thing, I moved because I needed to change my life, so it's good I'm keeping that it my thoughts. On the other hand...it's a great opportunity to remind myself how less-than-happy I currently am.

However! Today, I took that thinking a little bit further. I left NYC because I didn't like what my life was there, and it's future wasn't too bright either (at least, in my mind). I knew I needed to make a change, one that couldn't happen while I lived there - so, I moved. *high five* self. Right? Well, sort of. That is only part (2/3? 1/2? 5/2?) of the work.
Am I happy now? Silly question.
Am I better off now? You betcha. My life much more resembles what I would like it to be than it did a year ago. It's future is looking, while rather unsure, still much brighter than it did before I left NYC.
Okay, so, progress. Progress is good.
Am I where I want to be? No.
Okay, keep working.

I know this thinking might seem pretty logical to some (like my "you know this is only temporary, you'll move soon" mother). I never moved to the TC thinking I would be here permanently, or even semi-permanently. I moved here because it's where my parents are, the job market is rather resilient compared to the rest of the country, and my ultimate goal is the west coast, so I'm generally in the right area. It provided a safe, stable staging ground to figure out where to go and what to do next.

Sometimes, it's hard to remember, and to believe, that I am in the process of something. That this is purposeful and that there is and end goal. This is just one ingredient in the recipe for MK's Life Change.
I need to remember what I wrote up there: that I am better off now than I was a year ago. My life more resembles what I want it to be, and is headed in the direction that I want it to go.  Where I'll end up is a totally different batch of cookies (I made brownies today, baking analogies abound) that I'll sort out later...I hope.

xoox
MK

Get Out of My Head.

I am really, really, hand-to-god-hallelujah-singing SICK of missing V.


For fucks sake. Not worth the mental anguish at this point.

That's all! Happy Wednesday. I'm off to run.

xo
MK

Why oh why don't I wear my super hero outfit every single day?

Today went from a happy, sunny, iced coffee, dance-off type of day to a bite-my-tongue, scream into a pillow, lock myself in my room type of day faster than you can say tuna & salmon sushi.
If that doesn't make sense to you, it's okay. Just know that my day went  :) ----> :/ damn ass fast.

I really should have spent my day with my Economics text book, reading the last 3 chapters that are part of the test next weekend, but it seems I was not meant to study today. Or, working on Earth Month... the first newsletter goes out this week, I should maybe finish writing it.  Or, researching professors I can stalk err contact about graduate programs. Or, looking for a job in Seattle. Pretty much anything besides dickin' around on the interwebs.

Horchata Noir is all sorts of clean and shiny though. She looks so happy. That's one productive thing that's come out of today.

Okay, really, going to make friends with Economics.
oxox
MK

Cue Journey.

I felt really, really guilty leaving work Thursday night. Honestly truly bad for what I was feeling.
I hate it here. There is no question I am not a small town girl (living in a lonely world? perhaps not.).  I don't think I've ever been, and this experiment only amplifies that fact.
While living in NYC, so many out of towners would ask "how do you live here? I couldn't do it, how do you do it?" I can't remember what my response was - but I'm sure it was along the lines of "it's easy, it's amazing here"etc.  NYC is both a very, very hard place to live and very easy-  if you like big cities. You work your ass off, you competecompetecompete, you sacrifice countless parts of your life and you are rewarded with having endless and indescribable experiences and opportunities available to you. So that's how I lived there, the cost of living there was well, well worth it.  But, things change, I got older, priorities and values got a bit of a shift and the price became too high. So I moved.
I now understand that "how do you live here? I couldn't do it, how do you do it?" question. I want to ask it of every person I meet here. People were born and raised here. Some left for college, AND CAME BACK. That just blows my mind.  But, this place works for some people, it's home.  Just like NYC works for some people and is their home. It just so happens that this place doesn't work for me. Fair enough, right?
But back to my feeling super guilty. On any given day, I harbor some pretty seriously negative feelings towards this place. I could list them, but there is no real point - the issue lies with me, not this place. This place works for some people, and they've chosen to make it their home - I moved here, and it doesn't work for me - that's my problem and I've got to deal with it. Cue the guilt. There are some really great people here, there are some crazy, freakishly smart people living here (hello rocket scientists!) that have found that this place works for their life. All those negative feelings? I feel horrible thinking them because of those people. No, I don't express my deep, deep loathing of their town to them - that would be totally insensitive and rude of  me - and like I said, it's my problem, not theirs.  I feel like an impostor. I feel like I don't fit (although they would welcome me into their church STAT if I wanted to be a member!) I'm not one of them, and I need to get out of their way.
I'm not sure where this was headed. Just ramble. And maybe spawned because yesterday afternoon I couldn't get into a parking spot at work because a truck that was 2.5 times the size of my car, driven by a guy in full-camo (including camo-trucker hat...) was trying to park, failing and took up two spaces, causing a stream of inappropriate thoughts to swim through my head about the appropriateness of wearing camo to work and the point of having a truck that large (is there one? do you work on a ranch? didn't think so! err...see? so easy to digress...).
Anyway.
I think it's safe to say that the sooner I can move, the better. For everyone.

Me gusto.

This keeps taking different forms.  I'm not sure where it will go, I've yet to figure out what I want it to be, but I suppose I can just keep trying until I like what it becomes.

Life is strange these days. I'm not sure if it's just SAD, but it feels nightmarish most of the time.  If I sit back and look at life logically, I see that no one thing, or even a combination of things is really all that bad - but the second I lose that focus and let go of that string of logic, I feel trapped in the nightmare again.  I'm working through it by trying to keep myself busy, eating healthy, keeping active, and doing things I enjoy.  I honestly feel like I'm piecing myself and my life together every second of the day to keep from falling apart. It's very tiring. I feel like if I stop for even a second I will lose it. So I just keep moving.

I'm working on moving to Seattle.  I think being closer to friends, back in a city, and having space of my own are very necessary.  I'm hoping I can find a job in the next few months, and I'll work everything else out from there.

V. Things have crumbled with him. It's a stressor I don't want right now, but I don't know how to fix.  In a perfect world, we'd still be dating, and I'd still have him as my friend.

I've started going to Zumba classes. They are fun. It's an hour where I feel really happy and forget about EVERYTHING. I love dancing. I love it.  I'm going twice a week right now, but I think I'll start going three times. It's one of the few things here that I really, really enjoy.

I'm toying with the idea of giving up drinking for awhile. For health reasons, and to really focus on other things in my life.  I know it will help me quit smoking, which I really want to 'succeed' at. I still miss smoking, which is not good.  More on this soon.

I think that is all for now.

xoxo
MK