Today went from a happy, sunny, iced coffee, dance-off type of day to a bite-my-tongue, scream into a pillow, lock myself in my room type of day faster than you can say tuna & salmon sushi.
If that doesn't make sense to you, it's okay. Just know that my day went :) ----> :/ damn ass fast.
I really should have spent my day with my Economics text book, reading the last 3 chapters that are part of the test next weekend, but it seems I was not meant to study today. Or, working on Earth Month... the first newsletter goes out this week, I should maybe finish writing it. Or, researching professors I can stalk err contact about graduate programs. Or, looking for a job in Seattle. Pretty much anything besides dickin' around on the interwebs.
Horchata Noir is all sorts of clean and shiny though. She looks so happy. That's one productive thing that's come out of today.
Okay, really, going to make friends with Economics.
oxox
MK
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Cue Journey.
I felt really, really guilty leaving work Thursday night. Honestly truly bad for what I was feeling.
I hate it here. There is no question I am not a small town girl (living in a lonely world? perhaps not.). I don't think I've ever been, and this experiment only amplifies that fact.
While living in NYC, so many out of towners would ask "how do you live here? I couldn't do it, how do you do it?" I can't remember what my response was - but I'm sure it was along the lines of "it's easy, it's amazing here"etc. NYC is both a very, very hard place to live and very easy- if you like big cities. You work your ass off, you competecompetecompete, you sacrifice countless parts of your life and you are rewarded with having endless and indescribable experiences and opportunities available to you. So that's how I lived there, the cost of living there was well, well worth it. But, things change, I got older, priorities and values got a bit of a shift and the price became too high. So I moved.
I now understand that "how do you live here? I couldn't do it, how do you do it?" question. I want to ask it of every person I meet here. People were born and raised here. Some left for college, AND CAME BACK. That just blows my mind. But, this place works for some people, it's home. Just like NYC works for some people and is their home. It just so happens that this place doesn't work for me. Fair enough, right?
But back to my feeling super guilty. On any given day, I harbor some pretty seriously negative feelings towards this place. I could list them, but there is no real point - the issue lies with me, not this place. This place works for some people, and they've chosen to make it their home - I moved here, and it doesn't work for me - that's my problem and I've got to deal with it. Cue the guilt. There are some really great people here, there are some crazy, freakishly smart people living here (hello rocket scientists!) that have found that this place works for their life. All those negative feelings? I feel horrible thinking them because of those people. No, I don't express my deep, deep loathing of their town to them - that would be totally insensitive and rude of me - and like I said, it's my problem, not theirs. I feel like an impostor. I feel like I don't fit (although they would welcome me into their church STAT if I wanted to be a member!) I'm not one of them, and I need to get out of their way.
I'm not sure where this was headed. Just ramble. And maybe spawned because yesterday afternoon I couldn't get into a parking spot at work because a truck that was 2.5 times the size of my car, driven by a guy in full-camo (including camo-trucker hat...) was trying to park, failing and took up two spaces, causing a stream of inappropriate thoughts to swim through my head about the appropriateness of wearing camo to work and the point of having a truck that large (is there one? do you work on a ranch? didn't think so! err...see? so easy to digress...).
Anyway.
I think it's safe to say that the sooner I can move, the better. For everyone.
I hate it here. There is no question I am not a small town girl (living in a lonely world? perhaps not.). I don't think I've ever been, and this experiment only amplifies that fact.
While living in NYC, so many out of towners would ask "how do you live here? I couldn't do it, how do you do it?" I can't remember what my response was - but I'm sure it was along the lines of "it's easy, it's amazing here"etc. NYC is both a very, very hard place to live and very easy- if you like big cities. You work your ass off, you competecompetecompete, you sacrifice countless parts of your life and you are rewarded with having endless and indescribable experiences and opportunities available to you. So that's how I lived there, the cost of living there was well, well worth it. But, things change, I got older, priorities and values got a bit of a shift and the price became too high. So I moved.
I now understand that "how do you live here? I couldn't do it, how do you do it?" question. I want to ask it of every person I meet here. People were born and raised here. Some left for college, AND CAME BACK. That just blows my mind. But, this place works for some people, it's home. Just like NYC works for some people and is their home. It just so happens that this place doesn't work for me. Fair enough, right?
But back to my feeling super guilty. On any given day, I harbor some pretty seriously negative feelings towards this place. I could list them, but there is no real point - the issue lies with me, not this place. This place works for some people, and they've chosen to make it their home - I moved here, and it doesn't work for me - that's my problem and I've got to deal with it. Cue the guilt. There are some really great people here, there are some crazy, freakishly smart people living here (hello rocket scientists!) that have found that this place works for their life. All those negative feelings? I feel horrible thinking them because of those people. No, I don't express my deep, deep loathing of their town to them - that would be totally insensitive and rude of me - and like I said, it's my problem, not theirs. I feel like an impostor. I feel like I don't fit (although they would welcome me into their church STAT if I wanted to be a member!) I'm not one of them, and I need to get out of their way.
I'm not sure where this was headed. Just ramble. And maybe spawned because yesterday afternoon I couldn't get into a parking spot at work because a truck that was 2.5 times the size of my car, driven by a guy in full-camo (including camo-trucker hat...) was trying to park, failing and took up two spaces, causing a stream of inappropriate thoughts to swim through my head about the appropriateness of wearing camo to work and the point of having a truck that large (is there one? do you work on a ranch? didn't think so! err...see? so easy to digress...).
Anyway.
I think it's safe to say that the sooner I can move, the better. For everyone.
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